A Sermon by the Rev. Melanie Morel-Ensminger
First Unitarian Universalist Church of New Orleans
Sunday, February 20, 2011
With this service, I start an on-and-off series of services on stories from the Bible for religious liberals. We Unitarian Universalists can tend to have awkward or uncomfortable relationships with the Bible, and this series is a way for me to try to “unpack” the stories to learn what we liberals can learn from them. The series won’t be numbered, because I’m not sure how many I will do, and they will pop up on an irregular basis on the church calendar. We begin with Biblical tales of sibling rivalry, since I am the oldest of my father and mother’s four children, and have quite a bit of experience in this area.
The most recurring punch line of the old Smothers Brothers comedy duo was, “Mom always liked you best!” delivered in a complaining whine by Tommie to Dickie. When my sister and I would fight as children, she would sometimes sneer at me, “Daddy’s girl.” Cain and Abel, Ishmael and Isaac, Esau and Jacob, Rebecca and Leah, Joseph and ALL his brothers, the Prodigal son and his older brother, the Smothers Brothers, my sister and me, your sibling and you, your kids – it’s all the same, Biblical times, the 1950s, or right now. Siblings say to one another, Mom or Dad likes you best. You are getting preferential treatment. It’s not fair, I hate you.
Experts in family systems and family counseling seem to agree that the root of nearly all sibling rivalry lies in the perception or actuality of a parent’s preference for one over the other. Wherever there’s a parent with a favorite child, however well they think they’re concealing their feelings, there are siblings filled with resentment and hurt.
Thank goodness, not all stories of sibling hostility end as badly as the one about Cain and Abel. Few angry siblings actually kill each other, although many, like Esau after Jacob’s trick, in a fit of anger, threaten to. And just as many, like Esau and Jacob, like my sister and me, go through periods of time without any contact at all. (And many, after the passage of years, cannot remember what their original beef with each other was.)
Rabbi Henry Kagan, who was also a practicing psychologist, reminds us that the stories in the Bible of families struggling with issues like sibling rivalry resonate with us today because they are OUR stories, only, as he says, “better written.” These Biblical narratives fascinate us because they are so very familiar to us. We know these people; we’ve even BEEN these people –
• a stepmother resenting her child’s older half-brother, and wanting both the mother and child gone, as with Sarah and Abraham’s child with Hagar, Ishmael. Did you ever wonder how Isaac felt about the disappearance of his older half-brother? It couldn’t have helped matters when his dad later almost sacrificed him. And did Sarah ever feel like the wicked stepmother?
• two sisters fighting over the same sweetheart, as with Rebecca and Leah. Imagine being poor Leah, revealing yourself on your wedding night to your groom, who was expecting to marry your better-looking sister – now THAT couldn’t have been a happy honeymoon!
• siblings being jealous over the accomplishments and achievements of another, as with Moses’ sibs Aaron and Miriam. God got so mad at Miriam’s complaints that she was punished with a disfiguring rash, which only went away when she and Aaron cooperated with Moses’ leadership.
• siblings fed up over a parent’s obvious partiality to a sibling, as with the brothers and Joseph’s multi-colored coat. (Joseph was, ironically, Jacob’s son, showing that Jacob had not learned a thing from his mother’s preference for HIM). Joseph only made things worse when he told his brothers that even in his dreams he lorded it over them.
• a “good” sibling incensed and incredulous over a parent’s indulgence of a “bad” sibling, as with the prodigal son and his brother. We love how the bad son is so emotionally and extravagantly forgiven by his dad, and we forget to have sympathy for the good son, back home, helping with the father’s business all those years, asking, “Where’s MY party??”
•two siblings arguing over which of them “has the better part” as with Martha and Mary fighting over who gets to sit near Jesus and who has to do KP duty.
On our Order of Service, we see a beautiful artistic rendition of the first meeting of Jacob and Esau, years and years and years after the story we told as our reading, showing what happened when Jacob finally returned to the land of his parents. As he approached the homecoming, he was anxious and fearful over how he would be received by Esau. And when Esau was spotted running towards Jacob’s entourage, Jacob felt the urge to run the opposite way. But Esau was rushing to embrace his brother.
Over the years that they were separated, instead of nursing his hurt and disappointment, Esau instead moved in the other direction, coming on his own to understanding and acceptance and forgiveness. Like the father in the prodigal story, he did not wait to hear an apology, but rushed head-long to express his joy at their reunion.
Modern psychology teaches us the same lessons. If you find yourself holding onto hostility or resentment for a brother or a sister because of the differential in the way your parents treated you, here are few tips to remember for making things better*:
• Gain some needed perspective by meditating or praying. It is a tenet in 12-Step programs to pray for a person you feel negative about; this invariably lessens the negativity.
• Change your point of view; try to see things differently. It may be that what you see as special treatment is really just evening things out. If one sibling is seen as weak or vulnerable by a parent, that sib may receive extra help. Ask yourself, Would I rather that my parents see me as strong and competent, or do I want them to think I’m needy?
• Show love and support for the sibling you are feeling hostile towards. I know this sounds counterintuitive, but this really works. By showing positive emotions to your brother or sister, you work your way into feeling more positive – and your efforts at encouragement may engender the same from them towards you.
• Stop comparing yourself to your siblings. If you’re thinking, “They’re so smart and talented with X,” they’re likely as not thinking the same thing about you in a different area. Every person has varying strengths and talents and gifts – that doesn’t make us better, it make us different.
• Find ways of having more friendly interactions. Go to movies, have meals together, maybe share a vacation spot. You lessen tension among your siblings by being together more often in casual ways that are fun and enjoyable. It's amazing how close my siblings have become with our monthly dinners and annual shared vacation.
• Forgive your parents. Forgive them and let it go that they might have liked one of their children more than they liked others. They loved you all the best they knew how; they tried their best to balance things as they saw it. Like most human endeavors, they fell short of their goal of perfect impartiality. You’re falling short of your goals too. Forgive and move on.
• Finally, and most importantly, look at the long term. If something serious was to happen to any of your siblings, most likely your first thought will not be, ”Mama liked her better.” These are the only brothers and sisters you’ll have; forgive them, appreciate them for who they are, and give up disliking them for their faults and short-comings.
For parents who are currently doing their darnedest to raise their children as impartially as they can, forgive yourselves right now. It is impossible for a human being, parent or not, to like all other humans the same. We are naturally drawn to people who share our interests, or who share our personality traits; this is only natural. But parents can strive always to LOVE their children equally, for different things, and can monitor their treatment of their children to ensure, not sameness of treatment (which is impossible anyway), at least a balance of treatment.
“Mom always liked you best,” Tommy Smothers complained to his brother Dickie, and maybe, just maybe, like Rebekah in the story of Esau and Jacob, she DID. So what? They’re grown-ups now and successful, respected in their field of endeavor. Maybe like Esau rushing to greet the long-lost Jacob, and like Joseph’s brothers begging his forgiveness in Egypt, we should all forgive each other and live in the present. You won’t be sorry you did.
May we learn from the stories of brothers and sisters in the Bible, and learn understanding, acceptance, forgiveness, and healing for ALL our relationships. SO MIGHT THIS BE! AMEN – ASHE – SHALOM – SALAAM – NAMASTE – BLESSED BE!
*Some insights for this sermon were gained from "Sibling Rivalry! Causes and Cures" by Becky Sweat in Vertical Thought, an Online Magazine for Tomorrow's Leaders.
