Love Series, Part 1 OF 2: “Love in Action”

The Rev. Melanie Morel-Ensminger
First Unitarian Universalist Church of New Orleans
Sunday, February 8, 2009

In honor of Valentine’s Day, this morning we begin a 2-part series on love. I’m obviously preaching this one, and next week, my colleague Rev. Dennis McCarty will preach the second part, with a sermon entitled “Love is a Many-Splendored Thing.” I am grateful to Dennis for giving me this Sunday off, and I’m depending on y’all to give Rev. McCarty your warmest welcome, not only for sharing this sermon series with me, but also for his generosity in spending part of his sabbatical with us in New Orleans, aiding us in our recovery.

The gift of Rev. McCarty’s presence – and his willingness to donate his skills from his former life as an electrician – are examples of my sermon topic of love in action. He does not know us, so he can’t possibly like us (yet), but his behavior demonstrates his fraternal love for this congregation and his compassion for this city. I don’t know what he feels about us, but I can clearly see love in his behavior.

Far too many of us think that love can only be a giddy, excited emotion toward another person – and then, when we don’t feel that any more, we decide we’re not “in love” any more. The trouble is, that dizzy, elated, goose-bumpy feeling doesn’t last, since it generally can’t survive day-to-day interactions over dirty dishes, piles of laundry, bills, bad morning breath, and conflicts over who-left-the-cap-off-the-toothpaste. It’s ridiculous, because realistically no one can keep up those first light-headed feelings from the early stages of a relationship, but it’s amazing how many couples’ commitment has foundered over these shoals, unable to survive the loss of the initial excitement.

The same sort of thing often happens when a person discovers a new church community. Wow, it’s wonderful, it’s the church of my dreams, it’s what I always wanted – its perfect! And the new member signs the Membership Book and throws themselves into church activities. And then, the bloom fades from the rose. Turns out the new congregation is made up of flawed human beings, and sadly, the minister is one too. It’s an unpleasant surprise for some people when they discover that far too many things in the church feel a lot like taking care of dirty laundry and unmade beds. Many congregations lose new members at this stage of disillusionment, creating a revolving door of membership.

It’s a common mistake. We think love is a feeling, and that if we don’t feel it, we must not love. It’s not surprising we think this, since Hollywood and Hallmark both conspire to promise that love will always be exciting and wonderful and fulfilling.
We have it all wrong – love is a behavior, not an emotion. It is not seen by feelings, but by actions. How can you tell if someone loves, whether it is another person or a whole community? Through our actions, how we treat other people: generosity and kindness, a willingness to sacrifice, an ardent care for someone else’s health and wholeness. That’s real love, love in action.

Love is an action, not a feeling. That is why all the world’s religions can, in one way or another, command love. Feelings cannot be commanded – just try, on yourself or someone else, with something like, “Be happy, dammit!” Can’t do it – feelings come and go, seemingly of their own volition. Emotions flow through us and over us, but we cannot command them or control them. All we can control and command are our actions and reactions. Sure, lots of people say such things as, “I couldn’t help it, I broke it because I was angry,” but they are misspeaking. Perhaps it is true that they couldn’t help being angry, but actions taken in anger are always choices.

Love is only love in action. Only loving actions are proof of love. Ever had someone do something terrible to you while professing to “love” you? Don’t fall for it. Love is known by its actions as surely as a tree is known by its fruits. Don’t let anybody pick an orange off a tree and try to tell you it’s an apple.

With real love, it is possible to love while not liking. That’s another thing we get confused. We think we have to like someone before we love them, and that to keep on loving, we have to keep on liking. But anyone who’s ever been partnered or parented an angry teenager knows that it is not only possible to love while not liking, it’s probably a good idea that liking is not a requirement for love. Real love is acting in a loving way even to people we do not like, whether that not liking is temporary or permanent. Real love is acting in a loving way even we feel like doing the opposite.

Whether the challenge is parenting, long-term intimate relationships, or maintaining connection to a diverse community of faith, we must focus our attention on acts of love and service. Not looking for our own advantage, not seeking gratification or comfort, not keeping track of who does what, but doing everything we can for the health and fulfillment of those we care for. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” thus becomes the best advice for those seeking real love. Love is shown by what we do, on how we keep your commitments – not based not on emotions, but on doing the right things.

Real love, committed love, is long haul love, love that does not cut and run when the going gets tough. Real committed love takes a conscious decision – not mere emotions flowing and ebbing as they will. To truly love, we make a choice, we choose to not allow our emotions and feelings to control or determine our behavior. There’s a great phrase often heard in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) – act your way into the right feelings. When we let our behavior lead our feelings, we often find our feelings do follow. Emotions can come and go, and often do, but love is a commitment to do and act in a loving manner – no matter the circumstances.

In a commitment, whether that commitment is an intimate partnership, parenting a child, or entering a congregational covenant, we make promises. Those promises vary somewhat according to the exact circumstances, but one thing is always true. We never promise, “I’ll treat you lovingly as long as I feel like it.” Nobody needs to promise anything so lame and so creepy – even people who don’t love you at all will treat you well when they feel like it. Committed love is the sacred promise to act in a loving way when we don’t feel like it, as well as when we do.

The only thing that keeps parents committed to their children through thick and thin, that keeps partners committed to each other through good times and bad, that holds a congregation together through conflicts and challenges, is the conscious decision to stay together, the choice to remain connected, no matter what. That’s love in action.

We can take this same principle even wider. Is it possible to say, “I love this city” if we are not taking concrete actions to aid the recovery, and help our fellow citizens? Love is only love that acts like love. If we say we love New Orleans, then let us be involved in work that improves conditions in our wounded but still great city. That, too, is love in action.

May we demonstrate committed love through our actions and behavior, within our relationships and our families, in our church, and in our city. So might this be! AMEN – ASHÉ – SHALOM – SALAAM – NAMASTE – BLESSED BE!