“OVERCOMING THE HOLIDAY BLUES”

“OVERCOMING THE HOLIDAY BLUES”
A Sermon by the Rev. Melanie Morel Sullivan
First Unitarian Universalist Church In New Orleans
Sunday, December 16, 2007

For what seemed like a long time, I could not relate when people said they had wonderful memories of family holidays. It seemed like all I could remember was negative: my mother and father arguing over the size of the Christmas tree and whether or not it had too many lights on it; my mother finding fault with al-most everyone around the holiday table; the drudgery and nag-ging that went with the clean-up afterwards; my father drinking too much at the New Year’s Eve party; and so on. When other folks spoke nostalgically about family holidays, I hardly knew what they were talking about. At the end of one especially memorable holiday, as we drove away in tense silence, my son Stevie piped up from the childseat in the back: “Mommy, why is Grandmom always so angry?”

And then I grew up – and realized 2 very important things. The first was that nobody has perfect holidays celebrated with perfect families, and the second was that there was a lot that was funny, beautiful, and worth holding onto from those holidays of my childhood, youth, and young adulthood. Now that I’ve been able to look at my parents and my family holistically and with compassion, there’s a lot to be grateful for and to remember with love – my mother’s fantastic, never-to-be-duplicated giblet gravy; my father’s sense of humor and play; the way the long table looked, laden with food and bright with well-loved faces reflected in the candlelight, seen from the perspective of the children’s table (and how we longed to grow up and graduate to that big table!); the laughter and the stories; my mother’s fancy china and silver used only at the holi-days; the smells of cinnamon, nutmeg, and allspice permeating the house as my mother and grandmother did the holiday baking, with the awkward help of us children; the familiar and be-loved Christmas ornaments coming out of their wrappings and being placed with care on the tree; the way the presents felt never-ending on Christmas morning. It’s not that I have forgotten or am denying any of the negative things that happened – but I have been able now to put them into a larger context, and now I can savor the good as well.

Since it is my firm belief that none of us, whatever we think we remember, grew up in a perfect family, this is a good lesson to learn. As adults, we have choices: we can choose to hold onto all the negativity from our past and be resentful and angry, or we can choose to view our parents and family members as human beings doing the best they could in the circumstances in which they found themselves. Forgiving them and ourselves for our shared lack of Norman Rockwell and Martha Stewart perfection, we can move on to seeing our childhood and youth from an adult perspective, and be better able to recall and value the positive things that were there all along.

Of course, some people have the opposite problem: everything they remember is bathed in a golden glow of nostalgia. The past is so glorious and wonderful that nothing in the present can come up to the lofty standards of family holiday celebration that were set in those distant years, or in the years before the storm. Either they silently sulk and pout over the disappoint-ment that the present has become, or else they are loud and vocal about their shattered expecta-tions. Either way, they cast a pall over the holidays for everyone else. (It just goes to show you that not only are realistic expectations a good thing, but so are realistic memories. Whenever we are tempted to say disparagingly, “This is not like I remember” it might be good to keep in mind that what we remember may not be exactly what happened.)

There are many other reasons that people experience the holiday blues, and being a mem-ber of a flawed family is only one of them. For many of us, the loss of loved ones through death or divorce or forced absence is made more acute and painful by the holiday season, with our memories of those who will not be present made all the more vivd by the repetition of familiar rituals. For those with beloved partners or parents or children who have died, or intimate rela-tionships that have ended, or beloved family members far away and can’t come home, every holiday is a painful reminder of those who are dearly missed.

After my father died in 1991, we his surviving family members wondered how we could open presents on Christmas Day without him there, wearing his jaunty Santa hat, sitting on a small stool by the tree, carefully handing out gifts so that each person unwrapped a present at the same time. We solved our dilemma by designating my younger brother Val to wear the hat and pass out the gifts in Daddy’s stead – and thus we remember and keep a little family tradition alive in a new way.

For any of us with family members or partners who have died, it is a good thing to recall that person to the holiday gathering, to say things like, “This is the way your grandfather always liked the stuffing,” or “I know my wife would have been proud of the way our daughter-in-law has decorated the house.” We always say in Unitarian Universalist memorial services that our loved ones live on in our memories and in our lives, and so it is right and good to say their names, to remember their favorite things, to retell the stories and cry and laugh together – and thus our loved ones are brought into our midst once again.

Holidays after a major trauma are also difficult. After 9/11 in the Northeast, and after Katrina here in New Orleans, there are added burdens to deal with in the midst of our holiday season. Even if we did not lose our house and our favorite Christmas decorations (not to men-tion all our belongings) in the storm, we can still feel sad and uncomfortable. Some of us might wonder if it is all right to celebrate the holidays until things feel “normal.” But our refusal to hold our beloved and familiar holiday rituals would serve no useful purpose, and only add an additional grief to all the other burdens we have been carrying. Perhaps the best response we could make to all that has happened is to make our holidays sacred and important once more – not through spending and commercialism, but through our connections to each other and those we love, through acts of kindness and generosity to those who have less than we do.

What’s the one best response to overcoming the Holiday Blues? I saw a psychologist once on TV who gave a simple 2-word suggestion: Respond differently. You may still have all the same dysfunctional family members you always did, but you can act differently yourself. Don’t answer back; don’t nag; don’t whine; don’t lose your patience; don’t resort to sarcasm. Whatever was your usual and customary response to the slings and arrows of outrageous rela-tives, Respond differently. Don’t let your “hot buttons” get pushed, and you’ll be amazed how much you’ll enjoy the holidays. Respond differently to the tyranny of gifts. You do not have to spend yourself into oblivion to show your love to those aorund you. Give the gift of yourself instead – make a home-made certificate for a back or foot rub, or a walk down Magazine Street, or seeing the “snow” on Fulton Street. There are many ways to give the gift of time to a loved one that would be more treasured than any material gift.

The same is true of your nostalgia for the lost Golden Age of family holidays. If you feel like complaining and pointing out how Christmas was better “before” – whenever “before” is to you – hold your tongue and strive to see the good in what is happening now. If your regular practice is to keep silent and brood, try sharing your memories in a positive way with younger family members. You’ll not only make a connection; you’ll probably also make some new young friends as well.

A second way to chase the holiday blues is to practice forgiveness. Did you mess up the generations-old recipe for something? Forgive yourself, enjoy the holidays anyway. Did Uncle Harry make the same old sexist jokes? Forgive him – he’s an old man and been telling the exact same jokes for at least 5 decades and nothing you can say will change him now. Did the kids act up and behave like all they’ve had to eat is Coke and candy? Forgive them – you acted the very same way yourself when you were a kid, after eating the stuff in your stocking or the candy gelt in the dreidel game. Did you break the last surviving ornament saved from Katrina? Forgive yourself, make another one, hang the empty hook, let it go. Practice forgiveness and the art of letting go, and you will find the holiday season much improved.

In addition to teaching yourself to respond differently and learning to forgive, there are other ways to enhance the holidays and get rid of the blues. Bring back old family traditions and religious rituals. Like my family did after my father died, you can invent new traditions, new takes on old rituals. Is grandma not here to make her famous whatevers? Gather the kids together and use an old recipe to make it, telling stories. Whatever seems lost to you, whatever you miss most, bring it back by creating new family rituals of gladness and gratitude.

Finally, the sure-fire, never-fail, always-works way to banish the holiday blues is to get outside yourself. It’s not at all difficult to find people in far worse situations than yourself, no matter what your circumstances. When you give of yourself in acts of love and service to those in need, you automatically feel better, enlarged, your spirit enriched. And it’s not like there’s a dearth of need – sadly, there are many, many people in need right now in the Crescent City. Talk to Robert Sullivan or Jeanne Barnard or Jyaphia Christos-Rodgers about opportunities to get in-volved in our wider community, with the homeless under I-10 or in Duncan Plaza, or folks struggling to come home and make a home in the Lower 9, or with one of the many agencies who provide gifts and help to local needy families and individuals.

And there’s us, your own church. There are so many needs not covered by the church budget, and there are so many worthwhile and important ministries carried on by our church. “Many hands make light work,” my grandmother used to say as we baked all those holiday cookies. All you have to do is speak to President Ann Maclaine or Vice-President Cherie LeBlanc or me, and we’d all be glad to let you know of the needs the church has for both volun-teer time and donations of money in any amount.

Want to overcome the holiday blues? Here’s the recipe: Respond differently, practice forgiveness, bring back old family traditions, invent new rituals of gladness and gratitude, and get outside yourself in acts of service and compassion. If your sadness is deeper than the holiday blues, make an appointment to talk privately with me. I am happy to hear you out, offer what-ever help I can, and I can recommend local counselors and therapists. If money is an issue, there’s both Red Cross funds and the Discretionary Account to assist you. Whatever you do, don’t suffer in silence – and for heaven’s sake, don’t isolate yourself.

There’s an old story that makes the rounds of ministers as a sermon illustration. A small child is trying to lift a heavy object with no success. A parent comes into the room, sees the struggle, and asks, “Are you using all your strength?” “Of course I am!” the child impatiently exclaims. “No, you’re not,” the parent rejoins – “Yes I am!” “No, you’re not using all your strength,” answers the parent, “Because you haven’t asked me for help.”

Chasing the holiday blues can’t be done all alone. Holiday blues can be very strong, and so you need to use all your strength. Overcoming the blues is a job for a family, however you define family; a job for community, however you constitute community. And when we come together in love and joy, practice patience, forgiveness, and gratitude, the holidays can be trans-formed into the best ones we ever had.

Let us model breaking the mold of holiday tyranny with our Litany of Recovery:

LITANY FOR RECOVERING FROM THOSE HOLIDAY BLUES
by the Rev. Melanie Morel-Ensminger

The 10 unwritten rules for holiday gift-giving are:

1. You have to give a gift to everyone you expect to get one from. Congregational Response: “I don't have to do that!”

2. If someone gives you a gift unexpectedly, you have to reciprocate the same year. Congregational Response: “I don't have to do that!”

3. When you add a name to your gift-giving list, you have to give that person a gift every year after that. Congregational Response: “I don't have to do that!”

4. The amount of money you spend on a gift indicates how much you care for or about the recipient. Congregational Response: “I don't have to do that!”

5. You have to give people gifts worth roughly the same as the ones they give you. Congregational Response: “I don't have to do that!”

6. You have make sure the presents you give this year are worth roughly the same as the ones you gave last year. Congregational Response: “I don't have to do that!”

7. If you give a gift to one person in a category (such as a co-worker or a neighbor), you have to give to everyone in that same category, and all the gifts should be similar in value. Congregational Response: “I don't have to do that!”

8. Women have to give gifts to all their close women friends. Congregational Response: “I don't have to do that!”

9. Men never give gifts to their male friends unless it's alcoholic beverages. Congregational Response: “I don't have to do that!”

10. Whenever you have trouble with any of the above rules, remedy the situation by buying more, and more expensive, gifts. Congregational Response: “I don't have to do that!”